This is part 1 on a series on the interdependent relationship between children, teenagers, parents and teachers, co-authored by Samantha McDonald and Robert Fenlon. After introducing the concept, we share our personal experiences, both in an environment of home, as parents, as well as from Rob’s perspective, as a former Teacher and Headmaster - this is in an effort to explain why Interdependence can go a long way in resolving the conflict between adults and teenagers.
What if we looked instead at their ‘Freedom through Interdependence’?
Is it becoming worse, the fight between parents and teens, or has it always been this way? A question might be to ask ourselves whether this depends upon the perspective from which we are looking, and whether parents and teens are confusing ‘independence’ with freedom?
At WITH-humanity we believe Strengths and 'Interdependent Rules of Engagement©' are mutually inclusive, and as such, teach this as a concept to actively become more conscious and intentional around our impact on self, others, and the environment at large. This alters how we enter “into the space” with others, because one has to become more conscious of one’s own ways, in essence recognising that how we enter into the space and how we see others, impacts how we respond, and thus, the results we get.
So what does this have to do with conflict between parents and teens?
Well unless we change our own mindset, in that we become fully conscious and aware that we are not all the same, that we don’t actually speak the same ‘strength language’, we will continue to frustrate ourselves and break down the trust in our relationships with our children. This is why to change misunderstandings within relationships, has to begin with a deep understanding of who you are.
Ask yourself:
Do you know how do you naturally think, feel, and behave?
Do you know how your natural wiring informs your expectations of self and others?
Do these expectations create mental models, narratives, and mindsets that lead your every waking day?
Because if you’ve answered yes, this means these hold true for others too because we each have our own natural ways of thinking, feeling, and behaving- each individual entering a space uniquely different to the next person.
An element of using Interdependent Rules of Engagement© (I-ROE)in your day to day life, means to create conscious intentional awareness of how we are entering into a space with others, not just today, but every day. It takes practice and it’s not easy, yet the rewards in the value and trust it creates in relationships, especially with our teens, at this tender stage in their young lives is priceless.
With an understanding of self, we need to recognise others, and accept both their differences and our own, with a knowing conscious awareness of others and of how exceptionally different we are all naturally wired. This is the first step in changing our own mindsets in how we enter into our relationships.
The stories we tell ourselves
My mother often used to say the world is asleep, oblivious to the impact of each other’s transgressions, and that’s why there was so much conflict in the world. It’s true, there are just so many, often unintentional, misunderstandings between individuals, because we tell ourselves stories like: “they meant to hurt us” or “they just don’t get me” or “why does it always have to be their way” and these are often running through the mind of your teen too, as they navigate their journey of becoming and finding their own voice and agency.
The list of judgements that go through our heads is endless and I often wish we all understood the ‘Language of Strengths” - and the ide that we are all just trying to be “us”. Yet we can only move to this place with a change in mindset, in how we view ourselves and others, and, more importantly, waking up to the idea of becoming conscious and intentional to see differently- it becomes an active choice.
As individuals, both Rob and I try to embrace I-ROE as best we can, using this simple model within our family environments and work. I have taught it to my children and husband and the rewards have been incredible. Its like it has become imprinted on their minds to consider this when in a conflict situation. Obviously, very often we need to remind ourselves, because the practice of interdependence is not easy, yet when we do, it truly does become a “keep it simple stupid” model.
Do we have more or less arguments and disagreements ? I can’t specifically answer that, yet what I do know is, this allowed us to give our children as much freedom as possible, yet within the boundaries of Interdependent Rules of Engagement©. In some respects this is like a game of soccer, as it’s often said soccer can’t continue without rules. Therefore, within the boundaries of
I-ROE, where everyone “playing the game” knows the rules, we’re free to play “our” game of life.
As children are growing up towards their teenage stage, independence is a word that is thrown around and we focus very much on this word ‘independence’ without really giving it too much thought. Children focus a lot on their independence too, and before we know it, all types of traits relating to claiming independence begin to emerge and be expressed, and many such associated behaviours we do not like or appreciate.
We need to give ‘them’ independence in order that they can stand on their own two feet, or find out what they’re made of. Yet what we cease to acknowledge is children, since the day they were born, have been expressing their independence or at least their ‘freedom to choose’ since they were born. Watch a baby as it screams because it wants the cake not the vegetables. Here he/she is exercising their right to choose, expressing their ‘freedom’ as they push away toys they don't like, or walking in the opposite direction as a toddler. These were all expressions of independence where their own minds and brains were at play.
The question here is “what if children could be given freedom, through interdependence, and we change the narrative away from independence?” How might this look and could the impacts be more postive?
We are all aware of the increasing statistics of child suicide rates and mental health. We need to give our children new tools, firstly allowing them to be proud of who they are in their uniqueness, and secondly, to become active and engaged interdependent participants, both as family and community members, on their journey to claim their agency. Their teenage years are fraught with pressures society imposes, whether this is in their educational prowess, the 'designer clothes' they feel they must conform to, or the social media image they feel obligated to portray. This is why providing a safe, non-judgemental haven for them at home, where they feel accepted and safe is imperative. We hope we can provide you with some inspiration to continue to do this.
For this we need to spend some time looking at the definition of interdependence and Interdependent Rules of Engagement©. However, firstly we need to explore the other types of dependencies.
I’m sure you’re asking, “what does ‘Freedom through Interdependence’ look like and what are the rules of “Interdependent Rules of Engagement©” (I-ROE) anyway?
It will help to first explain the difference of the four dependencies:
There are three other types of dependency that I would refer to as negative dependencies in the context of I-ROE, as their impact does not serve people long-term in a positive way. Sadly we are not raised to understand these and yet they impact every relationship we engage in and every thing we do.
Three Dependencies:
Independence
Dependence
Co-dependence
What do these dependencies mean in the context of I-ROE?
Independence is all about “I look after myself and my needs”.
Dependency is “I expect you to meet my needs”.
Co-dependency sounds like “I please you, so you will please me”, a very transactional way of being where the balance of power can tip as the dynamics of the relationship change.
Interdependence Rules OK?
Interdependence, on the other hand, looks out for the needs of everyone, it is about mutual respect, working together to serve others, and create a more harmonious environment. It is about seeing the needs of others before our own. It is an accepting environment where we listen deeply and feedback what we hear, in order to clarify what is really being said, to ensure better understanding. There is no judgement, and everyone has the honour of being heard. With this comes responsibility, yet also high energy and motivation, which is collaborative and proactive in nature, unlike the other three dependencies which are very, ‘reactive’ in nature.
I’m not saying for a moment we don’t all fluctuate between these four dependencies all the time. However, what I am saying is that we can become responsible, make an informed, intentional, decisive choice to act and model Interdependence.
We have to experience all of the other three dependencies, in order to know how to act from interdependence
It’s important to acknowledge that the journey of practicing independence, together with all of the other dependencies, when were growing up, is part of the journey of becoming our unique selves in relation to others. It is this journey that teaches us how we fit, to respect ourselves and others, to trust, to practice confident vulnerability when we need help, recognise what does and does not motivate us, what our unique needs are, and where and how we contribute to ourselves, others, and our environments. It is from here that parents and the adults in our children's lives can model interdependence, by seeing the uniqueness in our children and allowing them the space to blossom into their beautiful and unique individual selves.
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In the next part we'll continue the discussion on the transition from independence to interdependence, how the shift is not always easy, and new ways to consider what will make the journey simpler in order to preserve the relationships with our children. Rob will share some of his experience in the classroom and model vulnerability by sharing his own independent behaviours as a teacher.
If you are looking for Coaching for your family why not have a chat. You’ll find more details here
Sam McDonald has been married for 30 yeas and has four children. They are a Strength-based family, using the CliftonStrengths® to enhance marriage & family life. Their home is in Hampton Court, UK and the FalseBay Coast, Cape, SA. She is a Futurist and Chief Visionary Officer for WITH-HUMANITY, a change-maker with a dream to disrupt our current meritocracy by "Unlocking the IntrinsicIdentity © of all Individuals in service of greater human engagement" creating an all inclusive universal value metric and social system.
She is a Normative Visionary, Systems Thinker, Disruptor, Change-Maker & Activist. Graduating Cum Laude with an MPhil in Futures Studies from the University of Stellenbosch, after failing matric, she believes matching one's intrinsic wiring to how we learn yields exponential results, leap-frogging our current education system. She influences thinking in order to create futures-led enquiry & change towards a future we all want to be part of - linking strategic leadership and management with futures thinking. Her use of Interdependent Rules of Engagement© and the CliftonStrength® Assessment, as well as various Foresight Methodologies, are tools of choice to influence mindset change, and help people understand each other's unique world views, which are coloured by what she terms our Strengths Language. She moved to South Africa in 1983 from Nottingham, UK and has lived in both dysfunction and functional environments. These she views as her "cross to bear is your gift to share" - serving as a bridge in understanding how to create function out of chaos.
Rob Fenlon has held teaching positions on four continents, including academic and pastoral leadership roles. He led an award winning industry-education program in Australia which improved the engagement and retention of aboriginal workers in the mining industry. He helps leaders to excel in their professional and personal lives using his years of experience and insights from Gallup CliftonStrength® Assessment and Positive Intelligence (PQ). Rob has worked in some very challenging locations, and takes great pleasure in connecting people to their hidden talents and potential.
Sam, Rob, and r fellow Coaches, work with motivated clients using the CliftonStrength® Assessment as a power tool for:
Strength Based Interviewing & Recruitment
Assisting motivated individuals to fall in love with their careers and find the work they were born to do.
Working with high achievers to discover their value and purpose
Working with Start-ups to gain momentum, motivation & self-awareness of the Entrepreneur
Assisting Students to gain a greater self-awareness, expediting their career path, building confidence and self-esteem.
Working with individuals to re-engage in their work environments & leveraging their strengths
Working with marriage relationships to help you love again and understand the toxicity, reduce negative experiences, create understanding and, in turn, assist with long-term strategies for lasting transformation
Finding your true Purpose, Passion and Value in Life
Falling in love with your life and work again
She teaches the 'Interdependent Rules of Engagement© & Vulnerability' to focus on living 'Interdependence' as the key to healthier environments - choosing this as 'rules of engagement' over 'Dependence', 'Co-Dependence' & 'Independence'.
Follow the link if you would like to take the Strengths Assessment and here to read more about how to discover who you are at your core.
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