The Long Walk to Freedom: Identity, Relationship, and Systemic Healing from Shame
- Sam McDonald
- Jul 4
- 38 min read
Updated: Jul 7
The "Mandela Principle" of Healing Shame through Forgiveness
“Toxic Shame is what comes of suppressing, instead of listening to, and holding a space for, another’s pain” Samantha McDonald
There comes a point in understanding shame where insight is no longer enough. We can name it, map it, trace it through childhood traumas, relationships, and even systems, but eventually the question becomes: How do we actually live differently? This is where the Mandela Principle moves from explanation into transformation.
This is Part 3 of a three-part series on shame and the Mandela Principle of Healing Shame Through Forgiveness. In Part One, we explored how shame takes root and how Nelson Mandela's philosophy of forgiveness offers a path to reclaiming dignity, not through retribution but through liberation, where both the perpetrator and the perpetrated can ultimately be freed from identities shaped by suffering. In Part Two, we examined how shame is shaped by our biology, relationships and systems, and how it can distort behaviour, connection and identity. In Part Three, we bring everything together, focusing on transformation and how one might walk a journey to heal shame, rebuild identity, repair relationships and return to authentic, connected living, whilst also guarding against the impacts of western capitalistic environments, acknowledging how they have shaped us and have much to answer for.
How do we actually live differently?
It is important to acknowledge firstly, healing is not an easy road and there is no one silver bullet because shame is so complex and individualised, there is no one-size-fix for all. Even though this article draws upon the work of many researchers and writers that have profoundly shaped our understanding of shame; attachment; meaning; identity; and human flourishing, research is still ongoing. Therefore, this three-part series is written from a futures perspective, with the intention to shift old, outdated, mainstream perceptions and narratives around shame, that have kept us locked into what the foresight world terms "used futures" - what I like to term ‘the double ignorance’ - because we don’t know what we don’t know, and we don’t know, that we don’t know, what we don’t know.
It is with this that I ask you to keep an open mind, to refrain from judging and moralising those in society who have inflicted and/or suffering with and from shame, who are hurting, and to remember that our global systems are becoming more immoral by the day. These systems influence who and how we become - making the road to healing more complex and difficult, and the feeding of new generational traumas, almost guaranteed if outdated mental models are not challenged towards change. Therefore, we must also hold these systems, with their inbuilt systemic injustices, accountable too, because we are shaped by the various environments. We require articles such as this one to challenge biases and outdated beliefs, opening up conscious intentional and interdependent curiosities that are so often hidden through our own unconscious prejudices.
The leading edge work of the late Barbara Killinger on Narcissistic Workaholism, as well as Iain McGilChrist's work on the "Divided Brain" points to the differences in how the two hemispheres attend to the world and how we are becoming an increasingly left-hemisphere dominated society, which can significantly impact addications, our humanity and our expectations of, and, how we relate to each other - which will undoubtedly impact shame.
The hidden suffering of shame and cost of self-abandonment
We need to acknowledge something uncomfortable - “Shame hurts.”
Before we can talk about healing, we need to acknowledge something uncomfortable - “Shame hurts.” One of the central findings across shame literature is that shame is not merely painful, but is often experienced as unbearable, not in the ordinary sense of emotional pain, but in the deeper sense of feeling fundamentally defective, exposed, flawed or separate and unworthy of love and belonging. Psychologist Helen Block Lewis, one of the pioneers of shame research, described shame as an experience in which the entire self becomes the object of negative evaluation. Unlike guilt, which says "I did something bad," shame says "I am bad." This distinction matters because shame attacks identity itself.
Children are not born distrusting their own thoughts, feelings or instincts. They learn to do so when expressing their needs, emotions or authentic selves repeatedly threatens the connection they depend upon. If speaking the truth leads to criticism, rejection, ridicule or emotional withdrawal, the child quickly discovers that remaining connected to others often requires disconnecting from themselves. Over time, the nervous system and brain learns that belonging is safer than authenticity, and adaptation becomes the price of acceptance. Research has consistently linked chronic shame with depression, addictions, self-criticism, interpersonal difficulties, emotional dys-regulation and psychological distress. Psychologist June Tangney's work has repeatedly demonstrated that shame is associated with avoidance, denial, anger and externalisation, whereas guilt is more likely to lead to accountability, empathy and constructive change.
Shame is the emotional experience of disconnection
These adaptive traits commonly include:
addictions
secrecy
perfectionism
compulsive achievement
emotional withdrawal
blame and defensiveness
infidelity
rage and aggression
narcissistic-type defences
self-harm
people-pleasing
control
pleasure seeking
These are not simply bad habits, they are attempts to escape overwhelming feelings of inadequacy, rejection, humiliation or unworthiness. Perhaps you identify with some of these? (Studies have also shown that our adverse behaviours can drive excess biochemicals, such as a dopamine, oxytocin and adrenalin, which can illicit an almost "addictive" rush that we crave.) At WITH-Humanity we prefer not to frame these responses simply as addictions or dysfunctions. Instead, we understand them as Adaptive Traits - intelligent attempts by the nervous system and brain to survive emotional pain. This does not excuse harm, but it does help us understand the why behind whats going on, and understanding is where healing begins. It's also important to note that when shame wounds are triggered and these adaptive traits go into full blown overdrive, immense harm may be caused when the nervous system becomes dysregulated - and sometimes this can be acted out as vairous types of abuse. Without a deep understanding of shame, close relationships begin to take strain, and relatives may be confused and at a loss to understand what is truly going on. Left untreated, shame becomes pervasive and can have far-reaching systemic consequences. This is why learning to regulate the nervous system is key to healing. Perhaps one of the least understood consequences of shame is that it teaches us to abandon ourselves.
Self-abandonment appears in the ordinary moments of everyday life. It rarely announces itself dramatically. What appears to others as competence, reliability, confidence or strength may, beneath the surface, be a nervous system that has become remarkably skilled at overriding its own internal signals in order to maintain safety and connection. More often, it appears in the ordinary moments of everyday life: we say "yes" when our body is asking us to say "no." We ignore exhaustion to meet expectations. We silence our opinions to avoid conflict. We minimise our pain because someone else's needs seem more important. We become highly attuned to everyone around us while gradually losing touch with ourselves - often through secrecy. This is one of shame's greatest deceptions. It convinces us that leaving ourselves is the price of belonging. Yet every act of self-abandonment quietly reinforces the very belief that gave shame its power in the first place: my needs do not matter; my feelings are unsafe; I am only worthy if I adapt to the expectations of others. Sadly, this can even become "pleasurable", feeding shame's self-perpetuating cycle.
Healing therefore requires more than understanding our past. It requires rebuilding our relationship with ourselves. Where we begin to notice the moments when we override our own inner knowing. We learn to pause before automatically pleasing, rescuing, controlling or withdrawing. We discover that our emotions are not enemies to suppress but information to understand. We stay away from co-dependent relationships. Gradually, the nervous system learns a new truth: I can remain connected to others without abandoning myself. This is where Jung's idea of integration meets Mandela's understanding of freedom. Neither invites us to become someone else. Instead, they invite us to reclaim the parts of ourselves that were hidden in order to survive. True freedom is not found in escaping who we are, but in having the courage to remain present with ourselves, even when doing so feels uncomfortable. In learning to stay with ourselves, we rediscover the dignity, authenticity and wholeness that shame, and even sometimes toxic relationships, convinced us we had lost.
Healthy Shame, Toxic Shame and the Need for Repair
As explored throughout this series, shame is not individual moral failure, it is what disconnection feels like from the inside, the emotional experience of disconnection. It can emerge when we are not emotionally mirrored, not held in attunement, not allowed to feel safe, or we believe we are not allowed to belong and be accepted for who we are. However, it is important to distinguish between healthy shame and toxic shame. Shame itself is not the enemy. In its healthy form, shame is one of our moral emotions. It acts as an internal compass, gently alerting us when our behaviour has harmed ourselves, another person, or the relationships upon which society depends. Healthy shame encourages humility, responsibility, empathy, vulnerability and repair. It gives us a conscience and reminds us that none of us are perfect.
The problem arises when shame ceases to be a passing emotion and instead becomes an identity. Rather than saying, "I did something wrong," toxic shame tells us, "There is something wrong with me." Instead of motivating repair, it freezes us in self-condemnation, disconnection, or defensive survival, including contempt for self and others. This can result in projecting this contempt onto others in the form of emotional, psychological and even physical abuse - often referred to as narcissistic traits, which might include gaslighting and/or desensitising harm . For many people this transformation towards shame begins in childhood. Children naturally look to their caregivers to help them make sense of painful experiences. A healthy parent is not one who never makes mistakes, but one who is willing to repair them. After shouting in fear when a child runs into the road, for example, a parent might say, "I'm sorry I frightened you. I was scared because I love you. What you did wasn't safe, but I'm here with you." In that moment, the child learns an invaluable lesson: I made a mistake, but I am still loved. Conflict does not mean rejection. I still belong.
Sadly, many children never receive this kind of repair. Instead, they are ignored, criticised, humiliated, compared, abandoned emotionally, or made to feel responsible for the emotional states of the adults around them. When apologies never come and painful experiences are never explained, children have little choice but to conclude that the problem must lie within themselves. Shame fills the silence where reassurance should have lived. Over time, the nervous system organises itself around surviving this hidden belief.
Some people become fiercely independent, finding temporary relief through control, achievement, perfectionism, work, anger, or contempt - what we term 'Independent Rules of Engagement'. Others become dependent on reassurance, rescuing, approval, or sympathy - what we term 'Dependent Rules of Engagement'. Often codependent relationships are formed through 'Co-dependent Rules of Engagement' with others harbouring shame - an enabling pattern of feeding and a recipe for disaster. We have no ability to affirm or to communicate to another person that they are good or special until we know it strongly ourselves, and yet through codependence this often happens. We can form emotionally enmeshed relationships that feed an "i'll serve you if you serve me" mentality - often leading to infidelities. Although these strategies and 'rules of engagement' appear "normal", they often serve the same purpose: protecting a fragile ego and sense of self, from the unbearable possibility of feeling fundamentally unworthy. Because they provide temporary relief, they can become deeply reinforcing patterns, creating addictive behaviours, making the cycle of shame increasingly difficult to break. This is why living through "Interdependent Rules of Engagement" is so important as we put back the morality and ask and care about "what my impact is on self, others, and the environment at large?"
The goal is to understand our worth and value is intrinsic
Healing begins when we recognise that our value should never have been determined by our performance, our failures, or the ways we learned to survive - because our value is intrinsic, therefore cannot be determined in this way. The tragedy is that the brain rarely concludes "Something happened to me." Instead it says "Something is wrong with me" and this becomes the very foundation of shame. Over time, identity begins to organise itself around adaptation rather than authenticity, as we entrench how to survive, perform and protect ourselves. Also, survival is not the same thing as living. Living is ensuring our ‘Wheel of Life’ includes many aspects of our lives, including health, relationships, personal growth, career, wellbeing, etc in order to find fulfilment, happiness and interdependent holistic balance. Without balance chaos reigns, making healing even more challenging and relationships harder to navigate.
The goal is to understand our worth and value is intrinsic and the good news is the brain can readapt to new ways of being. As we experience relationships characterised by 'Interdependent Rules of Engagement' - with authentic truth, accountability, compassion, healthy boundaries, loyalty and repair - not codependence - shame gradually returns to its proper role, not as a relentless judge of our identity, but as a moral emotion, a compass that guides our behaviours, while leaving our dignity and integrity intact. This makes up part of a much greater process of healing which we'll continue to dive into here.
Why shame survives
The great paradox of shame is that it demands concealment, yet the tragedy of shame is that it grows in secrecy. Brené Brown famously observed that shame derives its power from being unspeakable and sadly, like mushrooms that thrive in darkness, shame expands where it remains hidden. The longer it remains unseen, the more influence it gains over our behaviours, relationships and sense of identity. This is why many people spend years attempting to manage shame rather than heal it. They work harder, achieve more, hide better, hold onto control more tightly, withdraw more deeply or numb themselves more completely. Yet regardless of the strategy, the underlying wound remains untouched. The harder we try to outrun shame, the more isolated we often become. What begins to weaken shame is not more striving for perfection, but exposure, because when we bring our shame into the light, with people who have earned the right to hear our story, something profound happens - the secrecy begins to lose its power. The act of speaking up about shame can feel like a catharsis, as though we are finally expelling something toxic that has lived inside us for years. I cannot stress enough the importance of this revealing, with someone who is trustworthy to hold our truth - it is fundamental.
When our adaptations stop working
As we discussed in Parts One and Two, people rarely heal shame through insight alone. More often there is a catalyst - the moment where the strategies that once protected us stop working. The addiction for instance becomes visible, the affair is discovered, a relationship fractures, the business collapses, the reputation begins to deteriorate and the image can no longer be maintained. What feels like destruction, and often this is what it is, can become the impetus towards the beginning of our authenticity. What feels like a fall from grace can often become the beginning of healing. This is not because suffering is desirable, but because for the first time there is no longer enough energy available to maintain the mask. Instead, something unexpected becomes possible - Integrity and Honesty.
Perhaps this is what Jung meant when he wrote "One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious." In other words, psychological growth does not come from idealising who we are, but from becoming aware of what we have disowned or pushed into our unconscious - what Jung referred to as our "shadow side". In a similar way, this idea also helps illuminate Mandela’s philosophy. Mandela did not achieve freedom by denying suffering, anger, injustice, or fear. He faced these realities directly, without allowing them to define him. In the same way, healing from shame is not the denial of inner darkness, but the courageous act of bringing it into conscious intentional awareness, where it can be understood rather than unconsciously acted out. Likewise, healing from shame is not the denial of darkness, but the act of bringing it into the light of consciousness, where it can no longer control us from the shadows.
Jung would argue that healing begins when a person is willing to consciously face the shame itself, the childhood experiences that created it, the adaptive behaviours that grew from it, the harm it may have caused self and others, and the painful beliefs we carry about our own self worth. Only when these are brought into awareness can they be integrated and transformed. In my own understanding of this process, it is not about becoming someone new, but about becoming more fully oneself - "I know who I am, and I know who i'm not". It requires us to stop fragmenting who we are into what we show and what we hide, and instead begin the often uncomfortable work of integration. To heal is to turn towards what has been avoided, without judgment, but with honesty and responsibility. In doing so, we begin to reclaim the parts of ourselves that shame forced into silence, and slowly return to a more whole, grounded and authentic sense of being. Genuine psychological growth does not come from focusing only on our ideals, virtues, aspirations, or the person we would like to be. It comes from becoming aware of the parts of ourselves that we would rather avoid. This is the real transformation.
It’s imperative to reiterate the importance of transparency in healing with people we can trust
Our healing begins when shame becomes visible. But there is a caveat to this - until we find our courage and voice, we cannot divulge and make our shame visible to just anyone. We need to guard against this, because people can and do weaponise our failures. So people need to have earned the right to hear our story, so it’s imperative to reiterate the importance of transparency and healing must be with people with whom we can trust. Over time, these experiences of transparency begin to reshape the nervous system and the brain slowly learns that vulnerability through and with those with whom we have built trust, and have earned the right to our vulnerability, is not only survivable but, more importantly, that being fully human is not something to be ashamed of. We learn that imperfection is survivable and that connection can survive truth. But it’s not easy. Speaking shame out aloud can feel almost physical. Many people describe it as a release of pressure, as though something toxic that has lived inside them for years finally finds its way out and the nervous system no longer has to carry the burden alone. So what was hidden becomes shared and what was isolated is the beginning of reconnection. We realise over time that what felt unspeakable is actually survivable and this is often where healing truly begins.
Of the many couples that separate and/or get divorced, they may have stayed together
I’m of the opinion that of the many couples that separate and/or get divorced, they may have stayed together if the shame that drives these loathsome adaptive behaviours and relational breakdowns could have been seen differently and spoken out loud. But how? How does a man, for instance, admit and risk sharing his sense of failure, especially in front of the woman he loves, when this painful revealing admits to his sense of inadequacy? How much easier to stay with his affair partner, who gives him momentary relief and a sense of “I’m good enough” whilst at the same time allowing him to remain in his compartmentalised secrecy, chemically induced "affair fog" and failures. Ultimately, neither the wife or the affair partner get to know or understand the real person behind the mask and, as such, the shame and consequences continue to play out and multiply and healing doesn’t stand a chance. Sadly, this only exacerbates the state of shame, as guilt is now added to the equation, because he still loves his wife (and children) and longs to have had the courage to heal and become whole through the emotional connection he longed for. This is why my belief is greater systemic understanding is necessary to allow for the healing and connection that can bring families back together again - after all "functional families are the mainstay of functional societies."
The brain does not heal in isolation
Modern neuroscience increasingly supports what attachment theory has suggested for decades, that human beings are biologically wired for connection. Researchers such as Allan Schore and others have demonstrated that emotional regulation develops within relationships long before it becomes an individual capacity. We borrow our calm from others, through co-regulation, before we learn how to create it ourselves. Sadly, the same is true of shame. The brain learns safety through relationships, which means it also learns shame through relationships. When shame becomes activated, studies suggest increased activity in brain regions associated with threat detection, social pain and self-referential processing. In simple terms, the brain experiences shame as a threat to belonging and because belonging is a basic human need, often the pain of not experiencing belonging feels so huge that we will do almost anything to reduce the shame.
the brain experiences shame as a threat to belonging and belonging is a basic human need
This is why shame often appears as collapse (shutdown, withdrawal, numbness), control (anger, dominance, defensiveness), disconnection (avoidance, performance, addiction patterns). When these survival responses become chronic, they disrupt the nervous system and leave the individual in a state of persistent disregulation - oftentimes misrepresented as mental illness, because to those around them, their behaviour can seem irrational, confusing, self-destructive, or completely out of character. Family members and friends may struggle to understand why someone repeatedly acts in ways that undermines their own wellbeing, relationships, or goals. However, these are not personality traits, they’re survival states and because shame is formed relationally, it must ultimately be healed relationally.
In his book The Invisible Lion, Benjamin Fry describes this as a person behaving "as if" a lion is chasing them. The threat may not be physically present, yet the nervous system responds as though danger is imminent and real. From the outside, the person's reactions can appear excessive or disproportionate, yet from the inside, however, they are responding to a threat that their body has learned to anticipate. The fear is real, even when the danger is not. Understanding this distinction is crucial. What appears to be dysfunction is often a nervous system attempting to survive using strategies that were once adaptive but are no longer serving the individual. Unhealed, these can become worse over time. Though as awareness grows and people learn to regulate their nervous system, the fear that once felt overwhelming can become manageable. In doing so, they create the conditions for reflection rather than reaction, leaving behind compulsion and protection in exchange for connection and choice.
I want to highlight again the paradox of shame. It damages the very relationships that could heal it and therein is the profound irony at the heart of shame. The belonging, connection and acceptance that every human being seeks are most often found in intimate family relationship, yet shame compels us to protect ourselves in ways that damage those very bonds. In trying to avoid rejection, we create distance and in trying to hide our wounds, we deepen them. Partners, children, friends, relatives, may feel too inadequate to admit to their shame, so it creates a self-perpetuating cycle, breaking everything down in its midst. The path to healing therefore lies not in further withdrawal, but in the courageous act of reconnecting with ourselves and others. A first step then, in this long walk to healing, is a brave acknowledgement to self of our shame - probably one of the most courageous acts to healing.
This is not just psychological - it is systemic
Shame is not formed solely within families or relationships, it is also shaped by systems within our environments. We live within cultures that frequently condition worth as performance and have systemic injustices built into them, one only need look at our education systems. From an early age we are taught and learn to compare, compete, and measure ourselves against standards we did not create. Educational systems rank us. We then move into workplaces that evaluate us. Now we have social media that is constantly inviting these same comparisons. We are set up for failure as our modern economic systems reinforce the idea that value must be earned through productivity, status or achievement and over time, our worth becomes conditional. It’s here where the nervous system becomes trained into chronic evaluation and the question quietly emerges "Am I enough yet?”.
For many people, that question never receives an answer. Instead, it becomes a lifelong pursuit chasing one more achievement, one last promotion, another qualification, another affair, more success… yet shame cannot be solved through accumulation of any of these, because shame is fundamentally not a problem of achievement, its belonging. This is why marriages break up through the addiction to work, where one has become ‘married’ to the socially acceptable act of workaholism. Work and busyness is then hidden behind “striving for the family” or “needing to pay the bills” but as the late Barbara Killinger noted in her work on this topic, as shame drives success it also steals away integrity and compassion and, if one is not pulled out in time, both the body and brain, as well as family life, begin to deteriorate. This is why healing shame requires more than individual psychology, it requires us to examine the systems, and people within it, that continually reinforce disconnection and conditional worth.
Human beings cannot heal while remaining imprisoned by identities created through suffering.
The Mandela Principle - both the perpetrator and the perpetrated must be liberated
At the centre of this framework, inspired by the life of Nelson Mandela, is a simple but profoundly challenging truth: Human beings cannot heal while remaining imprisoned by identities created through suffering. Mandela's extraordinary capacity for forgiveness was never about forgetting what happened to him, nor was it about excusing injustice. It was about refusing to allow the injury to define who he would become. This is where the Mandela Principle moves beyond philosophy and becomes a practical pathway for healing shame.
Healing shame requires three movements:
✔ Forgiveness - releasing one’s identity from the past
✔ Restoration - reclaiming dignity without revenge
✔ Boundaries - protecting that dignity in the present
Together, these create the conditions for challenging, yet genuine transformation.
Forgiveness: releasing identity from the past
Forgiveness is perhaps the most misunderstood aspect of healing, because it’s not about excusing harm and minimises abuse, betrayal or injustice, and we shouldn’t be expected to reconcile with people who continue to harm us. Forgiveness should be the decision to stop allowing injury to define our identity. Often when shame is present, many people become psychologically fused with their worst moments and identify with their:
mistakes;
failures;
betrayals;
adaptive traits;
losses;
wounds;
regrets.
Eventually the event becomes their identity. So instead of saying "I experienced something painful." they begin to believe "This is who I am." The process of forgiveness interrupts this. It allows us to acknowledge the reality of what happened without allowing it to determine the entirety of who we are. This is true whether we are the one who was harmed or the one who caused harm. The reality is that many people carry shame for things they have done, as well as things that have been done to them, and healing requires both truths to be held at the same time - often referred to as both/and. “The perpetrator and the perpetrated must both be liberated” as Mandela said. Without this, we stand the risk of becoming perpetrators ourselves and without forgiveness we remain psychologically tethered to the past, living in what are termed “trauma loops” where events and other stimuli constantly trigger old wounds.
I often consider these wounds and the feelings we get in our gut when we feel hurt and how these need to be processed. I feel this is not the same as the hurt I feel in my heart. Heart pain for me, such as sorrow, are manageable emotions, the results of what is left over after I’ve processed the pain that was residing in my gut - if that makes sense. I’ve successfully engaged in EMDR and have a free app on my phone that I use as a self-guided tool. The process involves bringing to mind painful memories, the emotions they evoke, and the beliefs I formed about myself at the time. While focusing on these experiences, I use the app’s bilateral stimulation to help process the emotional charge associated with them. Once the distress has reduced, I consciously replace the painful memory with a positive image, memory, or belief that reflects how I would rather see or feel about myself. I then use the same app to reinforce and ‘lock in’ this healthier association, leaving me feeling calmer in my heart, and less burdened by the original experience. Although it is not a substitute for professional therapy, for me, it has become a useful tool for examining the stories I carry about myself, reducing the emotional weight of shame, and creating space for greater self-acceptance and healing.
Restoration: becoming whole rather than perfect
The first step has to be an acknowledgement that shame is running the show - both to yourself and someone who has earned your trust, to share this vulnerability with. This is not an easy feat, and I don’t want to profess it as being so. However, once shame begins to loosen its grip, dignity becomes possible again and this is where restoration begins. Restoration is not about returning to who we were before the wound, it is about becoming someone more integrated and interconnected because of what happened to us, then viewing the situation systemically, not in isolation. This helps to connect the dots in our brains and gain a greater and deeper understanding and to identify how and why we feel the way we do. We must start recognising the implications of our actions - on self, others, and the environment at large. At WITH-Humanity we have a framework we term Interdependent Rules of Engagement - a social way to look at systems thinking between people and within relationships. Keeping things in seclusion is like feeding mushrooms in the dark - the shame keeps growing - we have to open our linear ways of thinking and begin living beyond our shame.
Additionally, one must begin an understanding that where you are today was not entirely of your own making. Many people spend years trying to restore a perfect image of themselves, believing they are the problem, but perfection is not the goal, wholeness and interdependence is, as well as recognising other people’s impact on our journey, both positive and negative, and that this new journey is to be taken with those who have earned the right to our vulnerability and trust.
Wholeness includes:
Strengths and Weaknesses
Successes and Failures
Courage and Fear
Confidence and Vulnerability
Our Light and our Shadow side
No one is immune to these sides of ourselves, because every human being carries both capacities. Healing occurs when we stop dividing ourselves into acceptable and unacceptable parts and begin integrating the whole person, without judgement and with an acceptance that no one person is perfect. This is where a phrase we often use at WITH-Humanity becomes relevant - "Your Cross to Bear is Your Gift to Share." If we allow it, the adversity we eventually overcome can often become the source of our deepest contribution to society and insight into our purposes in life. The resilience developed through suffering can become wisdom and our wounds can become our service to humanity, where our struggles are given meaning, and purpose can emerge from this. Mandela is a great example of this as we know. This should become part of the goal of becoming whole, because healing shame requires more than understanding, it requires transformation. Mandela understood something many psychological models are only now beginning to articulate, human beings cannot heal while remaining imprisoned by the identities created through suffering or when we become identified with our failures, maladaptive traits, betrayals and wounds. Mandela had to shed many identities in the 27 years he spent in prison.
Search for meaning and the Importance of Purpose
This understanding echoes the work of Viktor Frankl, the Austrian neurologist, psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor. In his well known book, Man's Search for Meaning, Frankl argued that the search for meaning is one of the central motivational forces in human life. Those who survive suffering most effectively are often those who discover meaning beyond themselves. This takes a conscious intentional awareness of moving from self to looking out to how one can contribute. Healing from shame therefore, ultimately requires movement beyond self-preoccupation - not through self-neglect, but through contribution. As healing progresses, our focus begins to shift from "What is wrong with me?" towards "What am I here to contribute?”. This marks an important transition as we move from dependence and self-protection towards interdependence and responsibility. Our model at WITH-Humanity “Interdependent Rules of Engagement” (I-ROE) invites us to considering our impact on:
ourselves
our partners
our families
our communities
And the wider environment
This is a journey away from silo thinking into Systems Thinking, expanding our brains beyond an unconscious life, into a chosen one, where we become fully conscious, intentional, and aware. Meaning becomes larger than just survival and this changes everything. In healing shame we are working towards an understanding and enjoyment of human connection with those we love and trust.
Boundaries: where transformation becomes real
Boundaries protect what restoration rebuilds and without boundaries, forgiveness can easily become self-abandonment. The absence of boundaries has added to shame and many people convince themselves, often through people-pleasing, they are being compassionate, while repeatedly tolerating behaviours that undermine their dignity. This forms a self-fulfilling cycling of shame because genuine compassion never requires us to surrender our self-respect. It’s hard to have to admit that the reason we’ve showed so little respect to those we love, is because self-respect has been absent - often creating spiteful contempt where we wish to hurt others in order to feel better about ourselves. This is where healthy boundaries communicate a different message that says my self worth is non negotiable, my dignity and values matter and my self compassion does not require my self-erasure. Boundaries are expressions of integrity, they are not walls. They help us distinguish between love and co-dependent enabling.
Co-dependence as mentioned previously becomes addictive as this state drives our biochemicals creating dopamine and adrenaline hits. The oxytocin hits can cause “love addiction” from infidelities, whereas practicing and instilling boundaries with ourselves and in our relationships, help us discern the difference between forgiveness and self-sacrifice, connection and codependence. Without boundaries forgiveness becomes self-erasure, love becomes fusion, and trust becomes fragile, breeding anger and accumulated resentment. Yet with boundaries, loyalty for self and others becomes possible and love can become stable and functional. Trust becomes possible again, leading to safety where repair increases and becomes more sustainable. Transformation requires both compassion and accountability and boundaries make this possible.
Schemas and attachment - the architecture of early shame
Schemas are the brain's learned survival maps that shape how we interpret ourselves, others and the world around us. These are developed through early experiences, and help explain why certain situations trigger disproportionately strong emotional reactions. When I discovered the free Schema Assessment, I realised how valuable this is, highlighting the adaptive behaviours and their impacts on our lives. This should be an enlightening process, not a daunting one, as shame lessens the more we grow into who we were meant to be and this can be accessed by working with a Schema Therapist.
Schemas influence:
how we expect others to treat us
how we experience rejection
how we respond to intimacy
how we protect ourselves emotionally
Over time we can mistake these adaptations for our identity, yet they are not who we are, they are strategies we learned in order to deal with suffering. Our early childhood Attachment Patterns deepen these experiences (you can read more about the different patterns running in the background of our lives here). When emotional safety was inconsistent, absent or conditional, children often internalise a powerful message: "I am not safe as I am." This becomes a relational blueprint carried into adulthood. The encouraging news is that what was learned can also be relearned as the brain remains adaptable throughout life. This is one of the foundations of hope and is a reminder once again that once we begin the work and grow into who we were meant to be, shame lessens.
Rebuilding identity beyond shame
Healing is not simply the absence of shame, it is the presence of a new way of relating to ourselves and others. This is where our natural Talent Patterns and Strengths become important (you can read more here). Many people living with shame become experts at identifying what is wrong with them. They can catalogue every weakness, mistake and failure - carving these into a negative identity. Yet they often struggle to identify their gifts, talents and natural capacities - their intrinsic Talents & Strengths. Research by Donald Clifton and later Marcus Buckingham demonstrated that flourishing occurs not primarily through fixing deficits but through developing one’s Strengths. Strengths reconnect us to capability and remind us that we are more than our wounds and it’s important to note: Identity is not only repaired it is rebuilt (our free Self-Coaching Tool helps to create a new future identity).
Our natural Talents and Strengths reveal:
where energy naturally flows
where contribution becomes meaningful
where identity feels authentic
where life becomes aligned
where we are able to contribute at our best
This does not mean ignoring weakness, it means refusing to organise our entire identity around it.
Flow: when the nervous system returns to life
When Strengths meet meaningful challenge, we often enter what psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi called flow. Flow is a state of deep engagement where self-consciousness temporarily disappears. For people burdened by shame, flow can be profoundly healing because for a period of time:
self-judgement quietens
internal criticism softens
comparison disappears
a sense of feeling our authenticity abounds and,
the question "Am I enough?" falls silent
Life starts to become participation, presence and contribution, rather than performance, evaluation and self-protection. For many people, flow becomes one of the first experiences of freedom from chronic shame.
The idea behind understanding and using one’s intrinsic Strengths to reach a flow state is that flow tends to occur when you're doing activities that naturally align with your strongest talents. Rather than trying to become equally good at everything, the Strength’s approach encourages you to identify and deliberately apply your dominant Strengths more often. A practical process is to Learn your top strengths. At WITH-Humanity we have very ‘keep it simple stupid’ online learning to assist.
Begin by looking for patterns that connect to your Strengths and observing when you lose track of time - this is important. Think back to a time from childhood until the present time when you felt joyous. This is a great indicator of flow. Then for a few weeks, keep a simple journal and observe yourself, by asking:
“what tasks felt effortless?”
“what was I doing when I felt energised?”
“when did I become deeply absorbed?”
Translate Talents into behaviours, for example, if you have Learner, schedule regular time to explore new ideas or courses. If you have Achiever, break work into measurable milestones. If you have Relator, do important work alongside trusted colleagues or schedule time spend time with close friends. If you have Ideation, build brainstorming into projects or new innovations, even if these are just ideas for around your home. Design your activities around your Strengths as flow occurs when challenge and skill are balanced. Look for ways to spend more time using your Strengths and then delegate or minimise those tasks that consistently drain you of energy (your non-talent patterns), whilst at the same time mentally observing and accepting who you are and who you are not. The idea is to frame necessary tasks through a Strengths Lens and begin using your strengths intentionally. Before starting a task, ask “which of my strengths can help me here?” Or “how would someone with my Strengths approach this challenge?”
Someone with ‘Strategic Thinking’ Strengths such as Input, Learner, and Intellection might enter flow by researching, reading, synthesising information, and reflecting deeply. Those with ‘Influencing” Strengths such as Woo, Communication, and Activator might reach flow through presenting, networking, facilitating discussions, or launching new initiatives. A useful reflection at the end of each day, is to rate your Energy, Engagement and use of Strengths on a scale of 1–10 - with 10 being awesome. Over time you'll notice that your highest-flow days often coincide with deliberate use of your strongest Talents. Flow is not created by Strengths alone, it emerges when our Strengths are engaged, our tasks are meaningful to us, challenges are slightly beyond your current skill level, and distractions are minimised. Our natural Talents and Strengths help us identify the kinds of activities most likely to put you in that optimal zone.
Relational repair: where shame is healed
Ultimately, healing shame returns us to relationships because shame is formed relationally and therefore it heals relationally. This does not mean every relationship survives. Some relationships cannot and should not be repaired. This is where discernment is so important, because healing requires discernment as much as compassion. The Serenity Prayer has been used in addiction groups for many years:
The Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.
One of the most transformative experiences in recovery from shame is discovering that truth does not automatically lead to abandonment which is the lie shame has spoken all this time. Shame says: "If people truly know me, they will leave." Healing occurs when reality offers a different experience: "I was seen, and I remained connected." This experience is profoundly corrective as it challenges the core assumptions shame has carried for years. The sad thing is we all have needs and if our needs cannot be met positively, they don’t just disappear. Instead we find any means to meet them, often negatively. Many couples and families become trapped within shame cycles without recognising them. For instance, one person withdraws and the other person pursues or one person becomes defensive and the other person becomes controlling. Both feel unseen and misunderstood and both feel unsafe. Yet when awareness enters the system, something begins to change:
Schemas become visible.
Attachment patterns become understandable.
Shame becomes nameable.
Behaviour becomes contextual rather than moralised.
Blame softens.
Curiosity returns.
Repair becomes possible.
Interdependent Rules of Engagement© (I-ROE)
Healthy repair requires more than good intentions, it requires structure with rules of engagement that work morally for everyone. At WITH-Humanity we describe this through Interdependent Rules of Engagement (I-ROE). Interdependent relationships understand repair requires:
conscious intentional awareness
recognising one's impact on self, others, and the environment at large
truth without humiliation
vulnerability without threat
accountability without collapse
boundaries without rejection
listening without defensiveness
honesty without manipulation
Healthy Interdependent relationships create conditions where truth can survive and conflict no longer automatically means abandonment. Our differences no longer automatically mean rejection and as such, the nervous system slowly learns a new reality, that vulnerability and imperfection is survivable and that connection can survive truth and integrity. Perhaps most importantly, we’re able to embrace that being fully human is not something to be ashamed of.
The role of therapy: rewiring the system
Healing shame is not a matter of willpower because it is a full body and brain experience which impacts every facet of our physiology, especially our immune and nervous system and these require re-education. This is where evidence-based therapeutic approaches become important. Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing (EMDR) helps the brain reprocess traumatic memories stored within emotional memory networks. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) helps identify and challenge distorted thinking patterns and beliefs. Schema Therapy and Attachment-based approaches, help uncover and transform deeply ingrained survival adaptations formed early in life and help create corrective relational experiences that reshape expectations of connection. A combination of these approaches together demonstrate something profoundly hopeful, that the brain that learned shame can learn safety, that the nervous system that learned fear can learn trust and that healing is not abstract, it is in fact biological. However, it is important to stress a combination of these approaches will be necessary because each helps with a different part of our healing.
Loyalty: the missing foundation
One of the most important shifts in healing is learning loyalty. Shame can sometimes undermine a person's ability to be loyal because shame often creates self-protective behaviours. Someone who feels fundamentally unworthy may struggle with commitment, honesty, or consistency because they are focused on avoiding rejection and criticism, and more importantly, the fear of exposure. Loyalty should be one of our greatest values with a willingness to remain committed, trustworthy, and supportive in our relationships. However, unresolved shame can make loyalty difficult. When people carry deep feelings of inadequacy or unworthiness, they may withdraw emotionally, avoid vulnerability, seek validation elsewhere, or sabotage close relationships so they themselves can prevent risk of being rejected.
In this way, shame can weaken loyalty, not because a person lacks values, but because they are trying to protect themselves from painful feelings. Healing shame can strengthen loyalty by allowing individuals to feel secure enough to remain present, honest, and committed, even when relationships become challenging. Shame can often keep us loyal to adaptive traits, old wounds and dysfunctional systems, instead of loyalty to self and family. Yet loyalty should mean you do not abandon yourself to maintain connection, and do not betray your values to avoid discomfort. We should also not confuse attachment with self-erasure and codependence. Paradoxically, when individuals become loyal to themselves, they become capable of genuine loyalty to others and as this changes, relationships stabilise, trust deepens and integrity, a fundemental value, strengthens. As self-compassion expands, this extends into compassion for others, building connection with integrity, which is core to healing.
A relational message of hope
As mentioned previously, healing shame is not only individual work, it’s relational and systemic and when done well, its impact extends far beyond ourselves. When we consider our impact on self and others and the environment at large, as in Interdependent Rules of Engagement©, we can envision how the healing of one person affects their partner, children, their friendships, workplace and even their community - the consequences ripple outward and have a positive knock on effect. Families begin shifting from reactive systems towards conscious, intentional and responsive systems. Our relationships begin a move from codependence towards interdependence as connection becomes grounded in truth rather than performance. We can breath in the knowledge that perfection is not required, but rather awareness, integrity and repair.
Closing: from shame to strength
As the last in this three part series comes to a close its important to stress that healing is possible for those who are willing to face the truth, remain committed to the process and accept the support of others along the way. Shame begins through disconnection, yet it does not have to end there. The brain that learned shame is capable of learning safety and relationships that carried rupture are capable of repair. An excellent documentary to watch is McGilChrist's 'A Divided Brain' which identifies the differences in how the two hemispheres attend to the world and how we are becoming an increasingly left-hemisphere dominated, which may help to account for the widespread addiction in our society. The full documentary can be found on Netflix.
Codependent systems of engagement that reinforced fragmentation can evolve into Interdependent Rules of Engagement (I-ROE), with systems of awareness, integrity and connection and where disconnection creates shame, reconnection can create healing, and in that healing, something quietly radical becomes possible: people becoming stronger together.
Throughout this series we have explored how shame takes root, how it is shaped by our biology, relationships and systems, and how Nelson Mandela's philosophy of forgiveness offers a pathway back to dignity. The central message remains simple: Healing is possible because suffering does not get the final word. Yet it must also be said that this path is not walked in comfort. Like any meaningful process of transformation, it asks more of us than we often expect. It requires endurance, honesty, and a willingness to stay present even when emotions are difficult and relationships feel strained. In the spirit of Mandela’s long walk to freedom, it is a journey defined not by perfection, but by persistence.
The pain of shame is real. It is often experienced not merely as an emotion but as something that is felt throughout the body. It carries humiliation, fear, self-contempt and the persistent belief that we are somehow less worthy than others. For many people, shame remains hidden for years, shaping behaviour in ways they do not fully understand and the negative impacts reach far and wide, often breaking families apart.
It is also important to recognise that those closest to these struggles may not initially understand them through the lens of shame. They may instead interpret what they are witnessing as a mental disorder, a personality issue, or a label drawn from diagnostic frameworks. While such frameworks can be useful, they do not always capture the deeper relational and developmental roots of what is unfolding beneath the surface. In many cases, shame does not exist in isolation. It is intertwined with early attachment wounds, childhood trauma, and unhealed relational schemas that shape how a person responds to threat, intimacy, and vulnerability. These internal experiences are then further shaped by external pressures, including work, cultural expectations around success, identity, emotional control, and particularly for many men, narrow definitions of worth tied to achievement, provision, strength, or self-sufficiency. In such environments, people can feel that they are constantly falling short of an invisible standard they were never realistically able to meet. This can intensify shame and reinforce patterns of performance, withdrawal, overcompensation, or emotional shutdown.
From these intersecting internal and external pressures, people may develop what can be understood as adaptive but ultimately harmful coping behaviours. These can include emotional withdrawal, compulsive achievement or work addiction, addiction patterns more broadly, chronic negative self-talk, relational avoidance, or behaviours that may appear controlling, detached, or inconsistent. These are not fixed identities, but strategies formed in response to overwhelming internal pain and external pressure.
It is also important to acknowledge that such patterns can cause significant harm within relationships, sometimes including betrayal, emotional injury, or cycles of conflict and rupture. This is one of shame’s most painful paradoxes: in attempting to protect the self from unbearable feelings of worthlessness, people can act in ways that deeply wound others and further reinforce their own isolation. Yet even here, dignity must remain part of the picture. These patterns are not fixed identities, but human responses shaped by both inner wounds and external pressures, and where there is awareness, there is also the possibility of change.
The path forward therefore begins with honesty. Before shame can be spoken, it must first be recognised. This requires the courage to admit that there is a problem and the willingness to confront truths that may have been avoided for years. This requires the courage to tell the truth, yet in doing so, you build more courage as we become stronger. Shame loses much of its power and when it is brought into the open and shared with someone trustworthy, the journey has begun.
Healing also requires commitment from those who choose to walk alongside us. Family members, partners, friends, therapists and mentors often find themselves on a long and difficult road. Trust that has been damaged may need to be rebuilt slowly. There will be setbacks, disappointments and moments when progress seems impossible. Those offering support need patience, resilience and healthy boundaries, particularly where harmful behaviour is present. Supporting someone through shame does not mean tolerating abuse, but it does mean understanding that meaningful change takes time and one therefore needs to be committed for the long haul.
For those carrying shame, there may be moments when giving up feels easier than continuing. The temptation to retreat into old patterns can be overwhelming, yet every honest conversation, every act of accountability, every apology, every repaired relationship and every step towards vulnerability weakens shame's grip. Like any long walk towards freedom, healing rarely happens through a single breakthrough. It emerges through countless small, yet conscious intentional decisions, made day after day to be different: the decision to tell the truth, seek help, remain accountable, to repair what can be repaired and to stay connected when every instinct says to withdraw and move back into negative adaptive behaviours.
When shame becomes speakable, forgiveness becomes possible and when forgiveness becomes possible, restoration can begin. Restoration, protected by boundaries, is where a new positive identity can be rebuilt and when identity is rebuilt through honest meaningful connection and contribution, with integrity, we return to something shame has always tried to take from us: Our humanity. Healing, then, is not optional, it is part of becoming fully human even though the road may be long and the work difficult and the trust required can feel immense.
The road is long, but it leads somewhere worth going.
This article draws upon the work of Helen Block Lewis, June Tangney, Brené Brown, John Bowlby, Allan Schore, Daniel Siegel, Viktor Frankl, Donald Clifton, Marcus Buckingham, Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, Jeffrey Young, Francine Shapiro, Aaron Beck and Carl Jung, whose research and clinical insights have profoundly shaped our understanding of shame, attachment, meaning, identity and human flourishing.
Key Thinkers Behind This Article
Shame Research
Helen Block-Lewis is widely regarded as one of the pioneers of modern shame research. Her central contribution was distinguishing shame from guilt, arguing that guilt focuses on behaviour ("I did something bad") whereas shame focuses on the self ("I am bad").
Brené Brown's work brought shame research into the public consciousness. Her concept of "shame resilience" emphasises that shame thrives in secrecy, silence and judgement, but weakens when brought into trusted relationships characterised by empathy and vulnerability.
Attachment, Relationships and the Nervous System
John Bowlby founded Attachment Theory, demonstrating how early relationships create internal working models that shape expectations of safety, belonging and connection throughout life.
Meaning, Identity and Human Flourishing
Viktor Frankl argued that the search for meaning is a primary human motivational force. His work strongly supports that healing ultimately moves beyond survival towards contribution and purpose.
Donald Clifton's research shifted psychology away from deficit correction, towards strengths development. This forms the basis of rebuilding identity through natural talents and strengths.
Marcus Buckingham extended Clifton's work, demonstrating that people flourish when they develop natural strengths rather than obsessively focusing on weaknesses.
Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi's research on Flow speaks to the idea that healing involves moving from chronic self-evaluation towards meaningful engagement and contribution. A caution is to realise that we can be negatively in Flow through independent rules of engagement. For flow to be optimisal, it needs to be an energy asset for self, others and the environments at large through Interdependent Rules of Engagement©
Trauma, Shame and Therapeutic Healing
Founder of EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing), one of the most researched trauma therapies currently available.
Young developed Schema Therapy, explaining how maladaptive schemas formed in childhood continue shaping adult relationships and emotional responses.
Founder of CBT, one of the most evidence-based approaches for changing maladaptive thinking patterns and behaviours.
The Jung Quote
For the Jung quotation:
"One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious." Reference: Carl Jung – Collected Works, Volume 13: Alchemical Studies
Other Researcher Work
June Tangney's research demonstrated that shame is strongly associated with avoidance, defensiveness, anger, denial and externalisation, whereas guilt is more often associated with empathy, accountability and reparative action. This distinction supports the idea that shame frequently traps people, while healthy guilt can motivate growth.
Allan Schore's work helped establish the importance of attachment and right-brain development in emotional regulation. His research demonstrates that the ability to regulate difficult emotions develops relationally before it becomes an individual capacity.
Daniel Siegel's work in interpersonal neurobiology shows how relationships literally shape the developing brain. His concept of "mindsight" explores how awareness and relationships contribute to healing and neural integration.
Relational Healing Workshop Weekends in False Bay, Cape Town
At a guest house on the False Bay coast, Cape Town, we will be hosting intimate, immersive workshops exploring one of the most misunderstood forces in human life: shame - and how it silently shapes our relationships, identity, and capacity for love. This is a collaberative workshop designed for one purpose: to help people and couples move from shame-driven patterns into relational clarity, boundaries, and reconnection through understanding of the many elements written throughout this post.
This is not a set of lectures and is definitely not group therapy. It is a "Relational systems" experience grounded in how we are positively wired through Strengths psychology and lived emotional integration, recognising how we may have been nurtured, throughout our lives, in ways through attachment theory and Schemas, that do not serve us well - moving you into understanding what is "right" about you and others.
Should you be interested in attending one of these workshops, dates are still to be finalised for August and September 2026. Registered your interest here
Sam is a Normative Visionary, Systems Thinker, Disruptor, Change-Maker & Activist. Graduating Cum Laude with an MPhil in Futures Studies from the University of Stellenbosch, after failing matric, she believes matching one's intrinsic wiring to how we learn yields exponential results, leap-frogging our current education system - read her personal story here. She influences thinking in order to create futures-led enquiry & change towards a future we all want to be part of - linking strategic leadership and management with futures thinking. Her design and use of Interdependent Rules of Engagement© and the CliftonStrength® Assessment, as well as various Foresight Methodologies, are tools of choice to influence mindset change, challenging our beliefs, and help people understand each other's unique world views, which are coloured by what she terms our Strengths Language.
She moved to South Africa in 1983 from Nottingham, UK and has straddled both dysfunction and functional environments. She views this as her "cross to bear is your gift to share" - serving as a bridge in understanding how to create function out of chaos.
WITH-Humanity is invested in working with motivated clients using the CliftonStrength® Assessment, mutually inclusive with Interdependent Rules of Enagement©' as power tools for:
Understanding your (neuro)diversity
Strength Based Interviewing & Recruitment
Assisting motivated individuals to fall in love with their careers and find the work they were born to do.
Working with high achievers to discover their value and purpose
Working with Start-ups to gain momentum, motivation & self-awareness of the Entrepreneur
Assisting Students to gain a greater self-awareness, expediting their career path, building confidence and self-esteem.
Working with individuals to re-engage in their work environments & leveraging their strengths
Working with marriage relationships to help you love again and understand the toxicity, reduce negative experiences, create understanding and, in turn, assist with long-term strategies for lasting transformation
Finding your true Purpose, Passion and Value in Life
Falling in love with your life and work again
She teaches the 'Interdependent Rules of Engagement© & Vulnerability' to focus on living 'Interdependence' as the key to healthier environments - choosing this as 'rules of engagement' over 'Dependence', 'Co-Dependence' & 'Independence'.
Follow the link if you would like to take the Strengths Assessment and here to read more about how to discover who you are at your core.
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